Signs of Insecure-Avoidant Attachment in a Relationship

Attachment theory tells us that the relationships we form in our early years help shape those we have as adults. Insecure-avoidant attachment is one of three insecure attachment styles. If you have an insecure-avoidant attachment style, chances are you find it tough to develop deep, meaningful connections and tend to avoid emotional intimacy. 

Read on to find out more about an insecure-avoidant attachment style and how you can develop healthier relationships. 

What is Insecure-Avoidant Attachment?

Attachment theory focuses on the relationships between people and the importance of early bonds. Based on attachment theory, if a child grows up with primary caregivers who are consistent, reliable, loving, and provide a sense of security, then that child is likely to develop a secure attachment style. Different attachment types in a relationship can shape how we connect, develop, and maintain relationships. 

Psychologist Mary Ainsworth identified three major attachment types: 

• Secure Attachment: Confident, trusting, and comfortable with intimacy.
• Insecure-Avoidant: Emotionally distant, independent, and avoids closeness.
• Insecure-Resistant: Clingy, anxious, and seeks constant reassurance.

Later, researchers identified an insecure-disorganized attachment style, also referred to as fearful-avoidant. Individuals with an insecure-disorganized attachment often cycle between a desire for closeness and fear of intimacy. This can lead to unpredictable and inconsistent behaviors in a relationship. 

People with insecure-avoidant attachment can at first glance seem very confident and independent. But, on a deeper level, they struggle to build fulfilling and long-lasting relationships because they run away from intimacy. They may even sabotage a good relationship when it feels like someone is getting a bit too close. 

What Causes Insecure-Avoidant Attachment?

An adult with a secure attachment style probably looks back at their childhood with fond memories and feels like they had someone close to them who they could rely on. That person was likely very loving and consistent and created a sense of security that encouraged curiosity and safe exploration. 

An insecure-avoidant attachment develops when a child’s primary caregiver is emotionally unavailable. This type of attachment can stem from a number of behaviors: 

• Inconsistent: When a child’s needs aren’t met consistently, or they don’t know when they will receive love or affection, a child can learn to suppress their emotional needs.
• Rejection: If a child’s emotional needs are rejected or invalidated, they can start to avoid expressing emotional needs.  
• Mental Health Issues: If a parent or caregiver is struggling with their own mental health, they might find it hard to meet their child’s needs and be emotionally available. 

Over time, a child can see social bonds as unstable, inconsistent, and unreliable. They don’t trust that their primary caregiver is going to meet their needs. The feeling of insecurity and trust issues can then leak into how you form intimate relationships as an adult. 

Signs of Insecure-Avoidant Attachment

People with an avoidant attachment style often shy away from emotional closeness and find it incredibly difficult to trust others and reach out for help. 

Signs of an individual with an insecure-avoidant attachment in a relationship include: 

• Struggle to express emotional needs 
• Resist emotional or physical closeness
• Fear becoming too reliant on their partner 
• Avoid conflict or withdraw emotionally 
• Have an overreliance on themselves 
• Find it difficult to ask others for help 
• Can downplay relationship issues 
• Accuse their partners of being overly clingy
• Hesitant to commit to a relationship 

In a relationship, this is the sort of person that can seem quite aloof, and they may appear uninterested. Someone with an insecure-avoidant attachment may look like they don’t care about having relationships; however, that’s not usually the case. They don’t have the tools to express themselves, deal with emotions, and communicate in a healthy way. 

Understanding your attachment style can help to give you insights into how you establish relationships. For instance, someone with an anxious avoidant attachment wants intimacy but struggles with rejection. This can create a push-pull dynamic with a romantic partner. Whereas an insecure avoidant prioritizes emotional dependence. Both types of attachment styles struggle with trust and emotional closeness, but in slightly different ways.  

Supporting a Partner with Insecure-Avoidant Attachment

Communicating with an avoidant partner can be particularly tough because they have a tendency to shut down or withdraw emotionally when faced with a disagreement. When you’re trying to speak with a romantic partner but are up against a wall of silence, it can feel extremely frustrating. 

Because avoidant partners can really struggle with communication and emotional intimacy, their partner can end up feeling hurt, rejected, abandoned, and frustrated. No relationship is perfect, but having an insecure-avoidant attachment style does bring its own set of challenges. 

Here’s what you can do to help support a partner with an avoidant attachment style:

• Change is possible, but it doesn’t happen overnight, so try to be patient. 
• Give your partner alone time to process how they feel.  
• Avoid using controlling behaviors, even if you’re very frustrated.  
• Communicate how you feel without blaming your partner. 
• Be realistic about your partner and know that change is gradual. 
• Go to couples therapy together to learn to communicate and work through any issues. 
• Don’t forget about your own mental and physical health, so take time for your needs, too. 

Overcoming Insecure-Avoidant Attachment

Attachment styles do not define all aspects of your relationship. Life experiences, personal growth, and your relationships can influence your attachment style over time. With enough effort, self-awareness, and drive, you can work to overcome an avoidant attachment style.  

It’s possible to develop a more securely attached style, but it does take self-awareness and, often, help from a mental health professional. This is called earned secure attachment, which describes someone who has developed a secure adult attachment style. Friendships, close relationships in adult life, and psychotherapy can all be helpful in overcoming an insecure attachment. 

There are strategies for overcoming an insecure-avoidant attachment: 

• Begin to understand the signs of an insecure-avoidant attachment and patterns of behavior in relationships. 
• Start to think about how you feel about emotional intimacy. 
• Self-reflect and think about patterns in your relationships that could be avoidant. 
• Work on improving communication and how you talk about your emotional needs. 
• Practice being vulnerable and sharing emotions with trusted friends or family. 
• Learn and use conflict resolution techniques. 
• Focus on building healthy relationships and be patient with yourself. 
• Consider individual therapy or couples therapy if you’re in a relationship. 

Benefits of a Secure Attachment Style

People with a secure attachment style usually have high self-esteem, and they’re good communicators. They are trusting of others, which typically translates well into healthy relationship behaviors. 

Several studies show a correlation between a secure attachment style and stronger relationship satisfaction. These couples tend to have better communication, trust, and deeper emotional connection, all contributing to a happier relationship. 

As adults, a secure attachment style in relationships means that there’s already a foundation of trust. While no relationship is perfect, a secure attachment style helps with managing conflict in a healthy way and overcoming obstacles as a team. Despite the ups and downs that naturally come in life, you’re ready to weather the storm together. 

Here’s a quick round-up of the benefits associated with a secure attachment style in a relationship: 

• Deep trust and respect for one another
• Open communication 
• Better at resolving conflict
• Better emotional resilience and ability to handle stress
• Enjoy spending time together and apart 
• No mind games between you 

When to Contact Thriving Center of Psychology

Many couples can fall into unhealthy relationship patterns that can feel difficult to escape from. If you’re concerned about an insecure-avoidant attachment style or struggling with relationship difficulties, we can help. Our experienced therapists can help you understand your attachment style, develop healthier relationship patterns, and improve your overall well-being. 

Book a consultation today to take the first step towards healthier, more fulfilling relationships.